3rd World Products, Inc., Book 2 Read online

  "But she knows that our protocols specifically prohibit such actions."

  "Intellectually, she knows that, but some people have trouble with the idea that machines can be so powerful, and even more trouble with the idea that those machines can think like people. There's nothing we can do about that for now. Read the works of Isaac Asimov for more on the subject. I'm gonna go on in, now, and socialize a bit."

  I pulled some bags of coin and pewter pendants from a box in the back of the flitter and put them in my backpack with some more flyers, then stepped off Steph's deck to the ground.

  People had been to dinner and returned, so the lobby was packed. There was some kind of costume show destined to take place in one of the ballrooms, and it seemed that one of every dozen or so attendees was in some sort of costume.

  Vampires and Klingons and Borgs, oh, my!

  I passed a booth in the dealer's room where some guy was custom-making acrylic vampire fangs. The line was long, indeed, but a rather well stacked brunette in a slinky outfit was leeringly inviting all and sundry to have a toothy smile just like hers. Seeing that I was walking alone, she took my arm and tried to steer me into the line, showing me a pair of half-inch fangs in a clear plastic box.

  I looked into her eyes, smiled back at her, and said, "Funny. Last year the price was $45, tops. This year it's $100. Did the price of materials go up that much?"

  She smiled even harder, if such was possible, and said, "You get what you pay for."

  "Yas'm, you do, but I'm not buying your guy's ego. All six of the fang makers who come here use the same stuff and use the same movie studios for references. By Saturday evening your price will be $50 and the prices elsewhere will be even less."

  She disengaged both her smile and her hands and moved away into the crowd to seek another victim. I moved on in search of tables needing a flyer refill.

  "Hey, Ed!" yelled a woman in a booth full of fantasy jewelry. As I eased through the crowd toward her, she asked, "Got any of the pewter Wiccan pendants with you?"

  "Dozen packs only, Beckie. Sharon's orders as head bookkeeper. Otherwise you have to order from the website or call it in."

  Beckie made a face of mock despair. "Show me what you've got, then."

  I spent the next fifteen minutes or so trading pendants and a receipt for a check, then moved on. Two hours and five sales later I'd finished my business-related tour of the dealer's room and headed back to the west wall area where the authors and movie and TV stars were holding court, arriving just as the PA system announced that the dealer's room was about to close for the day.

  If you weren't standing in line for an autograph, it wasn't difficult to wander right up to the tables. My first stop was the 'bunny booth', so named for the attending ladies who had once been centerfolds as well as minor stars in movies with sci-fi or fantasy themes. A blonde named Candi spotted me instantly.

  "Well, well! Chuck told us you weren't available this year, Ed, but here you are. What's the story on that? You turn gay or something?"

  "Or something. Not gay. Did you see the flitter out front?"

  "Yeah, we saw it. Hannah tried to touch it, but she couldn't. Are you saying you traded us in on a fucking flitter?"

  "Not exactly. I didn't know I could be here until the last minute, but I do have something to do with the flitter. Her name is Stephanie. Want a ride, later?"

  Candi's eyes got big and she leaned to whisper something to Hannah, who was mechanically smiling and nodding as she handed a wad of pictures back to some guy who'd probably paid ten bucks apiece to have them autographed.

  Hannah looked up at me for a moment rather piercingly, then whispered back at Candi, who leaned across the table and said, "She wants to know if there are any strings attached. She says that men always attach strings to things."

  I looked at Hannah and said, "Yeah. Just one. If you get airsick, use a baggie. I don't want to have to hose out my flitter today."

  Candi's chuckle turned into a real laugh, then became a guffaw. She slumped into her chair and pointed at Hannah, laughing even harder when Hannah glared at her.

  Any commotion around those tables will draw the attention of the security people, and this was no exception. Two big guys were standing next to me almost instantly, ready to grab me and haul me away from there.

  One of them recognized me and seemed confused. I raised a hand, then pointed at Candi, who was now laughing at my impending predicament. He looked back at me questioningly and I gave him a shrug. He placed a hand on the other guy's reaching arm and stilled the motion. We waited for Candi to calm down.

  A few of the other stars and authors had frozen in place and were watching for an outcome of some sort. Two got up and came over to stand behind Candi and Hannah, their faces grim. I recognized one as being an alien on one of the long-running TV shows and the other as the star of an SF movie that had to be thirty years old, but had somehow achieved the 'cult classic' label.

  Rachel, another bunny, had been a few tables down the line of famous and semi-famous people, talking to someone. She returned to see what was going on, saw me, and abruptly vaulted over the table next to the bunny booth by placing one hand on the table and swinging her lovely legs high as she sailed to the other side.

  A number of people were duly impressed by either the vault or her legs and more than a few were startled at the suddenness of her action. In any case, the area cleared fairly quickly and she marched up to me looking as if she fully intended to slap me.

  "You were supposed to be here for us, Ed. You weren't here, Ed. We had to make do, Ed. With a stranger. What do you have to say to me, Ed?"

  I shrugged again and asked, "Hello, goddess? Great move, there? Great legs? Sorry that I have a life beyond being your convention slave once a year?"

  "I think I liked the 'goddess' part of that best. What was that about a flitter?"

  Candi leaned over and said, "He says he can get us a ride in that flitter outside."

  Rachel looked back at me skeptically and asked, "Is that so, Ed?"

  "It is. If you ladies stop grinding my ass about deserting you and call off the guys who think there's some kind of a problem here."

  Rachel looked at Candi. Candi said, "He's never lied to us before."

  Hannah muttered, "All men lie. He's bullshitting you, but not me."

  I gestured at the guards and said, "Deal's off in five... Four... Three... Two..."

  Rachel interrupted me with, "Okay. Okay. Everything's fine here, guys. You can go. Thanks so much, but please go away, now. Byebyeshoo."

  She eased between the guards and me as Candi told the semi-stars behind her, "You, too. All's well. Thanks bunches. No problem here."

  Hannah said, "Oh, God, you're buying this shit. I'll believe it when I see it."

  Rachel and Candi shushed her. She gave Candi the finger.

  I said, "Candi and Rachel ride. Hannah doesn't 'cause she's being a snot."

  Rachel said, "You're too polite, Ed. She's being a bitch, not a snot. She just broke up with a real dickhead, though. Maybe that has something to do with it."

  Hannah glared at her. Candi stepped back in mock terror, then giggled.

  Hannah stood up, slapped her pen on the table, put her hands on her hips, and said, "Okay, wiseass, if you aren't bullshitting us, take us for a ride in that flitter. Right now." Her voice dropped menacingly and she added, "Put up or get lost."

  Rachel said, "Hannah, just sit the fuck down and shut up. He's been our guy at this convention for the last four years and he's never been anything but good to us. No bullshit, no hassles, and whatever we need when we need it."

  "Well, that doesn't mean a goddamned thing this year, does it? He isn't 'our guy' this year, is he? Some fawning geek named Chuck is, and I had to practically throw him out of the room today so I could eat my lunch in peace."

  She glared at me and I glared right back at her for some moments, then I realized that she was just having one of those days. Or weeks. Or worse. She hadn't been
like this the year before.

  "Fine," I said. "Saddle up, ladies. Somebody hand Rachel her shoes and purse and let's get this show moving."

  I pulled the table out of line far enough to open a gap for the ladies, then pushed it back. Candi and Hannah tossed a cover over their merchandise.

  "Hannah," I asked, "Why the hell would I lie about something like this?"

  "Because men are liars," she snapped. "They can't help it."

  Candi said, "Oh, shut up, Hannah. You picked a dickhead and you were the only one in all of fucking Chicago who couldn't see him for what he was. Let's just go, okay?"

  Looking at me, Candi held up a cell phone and asked, "How long will we be gone? I have to tell Frank we're leaving."

  "About fifteen or twenty."

  She nodded and relayed the info to someone, then snapped the phone shut and dropped it in her purse.

  The security guys saw us leaving the table and joined us. Candi and Rachel were smiling and pleasant as we passed through the dealer's room. Hannah remained sullen.

  As we approached the flitter, I told the guards they could go with us. The news was received well by all but Hannah, who simply rolled her eyes, but her expression changed to one of surprise when I had no difficulty hopping aboard Stephie.

  I extended a hand to the ladies to help them aboard and the guards stepped up as well, then I told everyone to pick a seat.

  Once they were seated, I said, "Stephie, this is Hannah, Candi, Rachel, and their guards..." I leaned over with a questioning look.

  "Bill," said one. "Stephen," said the other.

  I nodded and turned back to the front.

  "Please take us to ten thousand at two hundred, pause for ten seconds, then head north. Find and follow the beltway around Atlanta at three hundred. You need not be gentle in takeoff, ma'am. Hannah needs a good scare."

  I didn't look to see how anyone, particularly Hannah, had taken my last comment. The downtown buildings went from being huge on all sides to being tiny far below, then Stephie launched us north along the interstate toward the beltway.

  One of the ladies had screamed softly while I was watching the buildings recede, but when I turned to look at them, I couldn't tell which. All were frozen stiff, gripping their seats and staring around like frightened deer, and the guards weren't acting any differently.

  "Ed, should I turn left or right at the beltway?"

  "Your choice, Stephie. Whatever's convenient for you. Try not to hit anything else up here."

  "Okay."

  In a small voice, Candi asked, "Anything else? You mean like airplanes?"

  I said, "Yeah. Lots of airplanes around big cities. Gotta be real careful. Lemme know if you see one getting too close, okay?"

  She nodded furiously and snapped her eyes back to front, then glanced quickly around us. Hannah was still stiff as a board, but she was staring at me.

  "Yes, ma'am?"

  "I think I have to pee," said Hannah.

  "You should have gone before... Well, let me know when you're sure about it."

  "All right, damn it, I have to pee."

  Candi thought that was funny and grinned. Hannah glared.

  I saw an opportunity, of course. Sure, I could have had Stephie make a field-potty in the back of the flitter, but I was still irked a little, I guess.

  "Stephie, where's the nearest gas station down there?"

  "There are lots of them, Ed. Should I land at one?"

  "Yes, ma'am. And please hurry, would you, but stay subsonic?"

  The nose dipped and Stephie dove toward a Shell station at an intersection at just barely less than the speed of sound. All of my guests screamed at least once during our descent, and one was still screaming as we stopped about a foot off the ground by the restroom doors. The scream tapered off as Bill realized that we hadn't crashed, after all.

  I grinned around the cabin and said, "Well, here we are. The rest of the ride won't be nearly so exciting, I'm afraid. We'll be flying more or less like a small plane until we return to the hotel."

  Candi, Rachel, and Stephen got up immediately and hurried to the bathrooms. Bill seemed to be having trouble with his knees. Hannah was just staring at me again. For some moments, she sat unmoving, then she slowly rose from her seat.

  "You really can be a shit, can't you, Ed?"

  I shrugged. "You started it, woman of little faith. If you hadn't chewed my ass, yours wouldn't be all clenched up right now."

  Bill plaintively said, "I can't get up. My knees don't work."

  Hannah stepped over, looked at him for a moment, then swatted the back of his head and said, "Get up, get moving, and get back here. You're supposed to be guarding me, remember?"

  Bill seemed about to snap back at her, then he realized that he'd gotten out of his seat and was standing up. He gave us both an embarrassed grin and hopped off the flitter, then helped Hannah down.

  "This here bus leaves in fifteen, y'all," I said. "Them what gots tickets to Atlanta needa be back on board by then. No stragglers, y'hear?"

  Hanna held her right hand behind her, resting on her butt, middle finger extended, as she walked away.

  I yelled, "Does yer mama know you do that?"

  Without turning around, Hannah yelled back, "My mama taught me how and when to use it!"

  Stephie asked, "Why did you want to scare them, Ed?"

  "I only wanted to scare one of them, Steph. The others were a kind of bonus."

  "But why?"

  "Hannah needed a distraction. You distracted her just fine, ma'am. Are any of the seats wet?"

  "No. Why would... Oh. I see. No, all the seats are dry, Ed."

  Chapter Eleven

  I had to reiterate that the continuing trip would be much less exciting before all of my passengers would return to their seats. Hannah and Bill were less than enthusiastic until I'd promised not to pull anything like the gas-station dive again.

  As we circled Atlanta, Hannah wished aloud that she'd brought a camera. Candi reached in her purse and handed her one of those disposable cameras that you can buy in all the drugstores lately, and Hannah sat happily snapping pictures until we flew over one of the area's lakes.

  "Back! Go back! I want a picture of that house! Wow! What a mansion!"

  "Back, it is, Hannah. Stephie, swing around, please."

  Stephie looped us around to where we'd been just before Hannah had shouted and stopped. Hannah stopped bouncing in her seat and aimed carefully for the shot, then realized that we weren't moving. She was the last of them to realize it, in fact, but it didn't take her long to join the others in a moderate panic attack.

  Candi screeched, "Why aren't we moving?! We're gonna fall!"

  Stephanie said, "We will not fall, Candi. That is not allowed."

  Candi stared at the console for a moment, then faintly asked, "Not allowed?"

  "Not allowed. It is contrary to my programming."

  I said, "Everybody relax. We won't fall. Stephie just thought that Hannah would like a steady platform for her shot." I looked at Hannah. "The sooner you take your picture, the sooner we can get moving again."

  Hannah tried to aim, but she was trembling too much. I took the camera from her, aimed at the house, pressed the button, and handed it back to her.

  "Got it, Stephie. We can go."

  Hannah said, "You said there wouldn't be any more stunts."

  "Stephie and I don't consider hovering to be a stunt and she didn't realize that you would. Sorry 'bout that."

  Stephen said, "I don't feel so good."

  "Stephie, keep an eye on him and be ready with a baggie."

  Stephen said, "I'm not gonna throw up, okay? I just don't feel so good."

  "And if you're wrong, who cleans up? It's time to head back to the hotel, anyway."

  There were lots of cameras on hand as we landed, as well as one rather large guy in a suit who didn't look at all happy. Maybe not looking happy was part of his job description.

  "That's Frank," said Candi. "He alway
s looks as if he wants to kill somebody. I think that's why the agency hired him."

  The guards jumped down and helped the bunnies step down, and the bunnies made a minor production of disembarking Stephanie, showing lots of leg and smiling as if they'd thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

  They graciously thanked me for the flitter ride and - apparently as an afterthought - included Stephanie in the thanks, then headed back into the hotel. Frank gave me a last glance that looked as if he was more unhappy than ever, particularly with me, then he turned to follow the ladies inside.

  "Stephie, opaque the canopy, please."

  The canopy instantly appeared to be made of dull, silvery metal. I pulled my briefcase down and opened it, then transferred a pair of jeans, a clean shirt, and my toilet kit from a compartment in the console to the briefcase. When I closed the case and released it, it returned to hovering above me.

  "Okay. All done, Steph. Transparent canopy again."

  Once the crowd around the flitter thinned a bit, a woman in jeans and a light blue blouse came through the hotel's revolving doors and walked down the driveway toward me. As she got closer, I saw that it was Diana and told Stephie to let the field down for her, then motioned to Diana to come aboard and reached for her hand to help her step up. She finished her step up with a quick kiss and a grin.

  Stephie and Di had met a few months before, when Di had dropped by Florida to visit with her ex-roommate Selena and me.

  "Hi, Stephie," said Di. "Has he been treating you well?"

  Stephie borrowed one of my stock answers. "Oh, I'm surviving. How are you?"

  "Pretty good, really. Ed, I'm pretty certain that two of those bunnies haven't been centerfolds since the eighties, but they still look pretty good. I think I'm jealous."

  "Believe it or not, the blonde was a centerfold in 1969. She came to Vietnam to entertain the troops."

  "Are you serious? Damn. The wonders of science, huh?"

  "Guess so. Linda said she called you."

  "She did. She's hijacking you for something, she said. Something personal, or something business?"

  "Business. My retirement papers are still in her desk. She never sent them in."

  "Well, I don't think I like that too much."